Thursday, October 21, 2010

PSA of Anger

Word of sardonic, premenstrual advice: do not ever put yourself in my current position, willingly or otherwise. It is supremely unpleasant. Because I am human and I need an outlet, I am choosing to share with the world the details of my stress right now. Comments are disabled because the last thing I need is someone innocently offering soothing counsel only to be ripped to shreds by my unspeakably intense frustration. NB: I am aware that my stressors are minuscule compared to so many other people's. But you really can't ask me to be reasonable right now. It will soon become apparent why.

Why it sucks to be me right now, in no particular order:

  • I am PMSing. That makes everything a million times worse. Keep this in mind in considering the rest of my complaints.
  • I am just getting over a cold.
  • I've only finished just half of the paperwork inferno that is being a non-EU citizen English assistant in France. 
  • I just had a panic-inducing health concern crop up. Never mind that it's been examined and deemed unworthy of panic. The fact that it caused me to panic in the first place makes me angry and resentful.
  • The bus that normally takes me to work is out of service. It has been on limited service since two days ago, when the high schoolers at my lycée burned the bus (which, I might add, they use as well) in a typical display of maddeningly ignorant teenage angst. This has caused me to wait over an hour for a limited-service bus, walk over 30 minutes to school in the cold, and even wait with others for a bus that was never going to come. All of these at different times, and make no mistake, I was only one among many who endured the inconvenience and frustration of this childish idiocy.
  • My supervisor did not give me contact information for the ten teachers I work with, even when I asked for it, leaving me with no way to tell them that I had had enough with these mass inconveniences and French iterations of Murphy's law, which in turn leaves me feeling guilty about missing work and angry that I had no way of apologizing immediately, which I feel the teachers deserve because they were expecting me. I am feeling extremely stressed about my relationship wtih my supervisor, because it has become clear to me that my communication to her is not as effective as I seem to think.
  • My mailbox does not have my name on it, and I just realized that this is probably the reason for all the mail I am missing. I have been waiting weeks for my transportation pass, a note from my bank, and now my train ticket to Amsterdam, and none of them have come. Even more frustrating is the stupidity of the reason why the mail hasn't come: my apartment doesn't have a unique number and rather, it is one of eight in the building encompassed in the address (e.g. "#3 Park Road"). Without my name on one of the mailboxes here, the mailman has no way of knowing I live here, and thus I have missed receiving all these documents. Still more frustrating is the fact that it took me this long to realize it would be a problem.
  • My "ASAP" to-do list is so long it might as well just unhinge its jaw, swallow a live animal and save me the trouble of writing a good metaphor.
  • Minor requests from friends are stressing me out more than necessary and making me feel resentful. I would not feel so resentful if I didn't have all this other stuff on my plate. I'm sorry if I'm resenting you right now and you somehow know it. It won't last long.
I want to just curl up and stop being an adult for a day. 12 hours even. No guilt, no stress, no regrets. In this current moment, I hate France and I hate being an adult. There is irony somewhere in the fact that a mere 4 hours ago, I was feeling relieved and happy that life is beautiful and there are so many good parts to mine that I can indulge in contentedness.

This, my friends, is the bane we call menstruation, and you shouldn't worry, because the fact that PMS is at the top of my list means this will blow over pretty darn quick.