As usual, I allowed a blog post to mysteriously capture my utterly dramatic mood, instead of waiting till I felt better to properly explain. It's true that my first five months here have made me see France negatively. I always have to count on my fingers to see how long I've been here, and the number five surprises me while also seeming to weigh me down. A lot of emotions have marched their way through my heart the past month or two, many of them not my favorites. I think I'll stay vague and just use this as an outlet to let everyone - myself included - know that I'm taking it a day at a time. Some moments, I dread everything about my life here, from the dreary bus ride to making food to going back to classes on Monday. But I've taken to assessing my feelings on a moment-to-moment basis. And sometimes it's ok not to feel awesome. I just say to myself, "Ok. I'm not feeling great right now." And move on. More often that that, though, I've been remarking to myself when I feel ok: "All right. I feel ok right now." I don't feel great, but I think that will come in time. With all the self-therapy, a little outreach, and a lot of fake-it-till-you-make-it smiling into mirrors and underneath scarves.
And, with any luck, spring will finally show its lackadaisical face (seriously, spring! get your lazy butt into gear) and the scarf will be gone, and the smile will be real.